By Dr. Lindsey
I have a 5-year-old in my house who asks, “What?” All. The. Time.
To be honest, I can get pretty frustrated. And I am an audiologist! I talk to parents about this all the time and give recommendations for how to handle this situation effectively so both children and their parents, siblings, teachers, etc. are able to effectively communicate with each other. Especially since mask-wearing is currently so common and can be extremely detrimental to any listener for many reasons.
Nevertheless, I still find myself doing the things I tell families not to do because, let’s be honest, it can be hard and frustrating sometimes when what you are trying to communicate just does not seem to be getting through, especially when you are distracted, busy, or tired. We are only human. It can be easy to just think (or say), “Never mind”. However, this is exactly what we should NOT be doing in these circumstances. But it can be HARD!
Here’s an example of what NOT to do—taken from my own life just this morning:
Child: “Mom is it time to get up yet?”
Me: “No, it’s 4:00, go back to sleep?”
Child: “What?”
Me: “No, go back to bed.”
Child: “What?”
Me: “No, it’s still bedtime!”
Child: “What!?”
Me: “OMG! NO! Here’s the iPad!”
Yeah. Not a proud moment for me as an audiologist OR a mother. But I find it happens a lot with this little one in the early morning hours, especially because:
- He’s an early riser and I’m cranky in the morning.
- We sleep with a fan on in our room so there is always background noise which makes it a difficult communicating environment.
- At 4:00 a.m. it is dark and he couldn’t see my face.
It was a recipe for communication disaster.
However, after some coffee and contemplation (great life advice provided by Chief Hopper), I did apologize and it did get me thinking about the importance of the way we communicate with others when they don’t understand what’s being said and how that affects their thinking and beliefs about the world around them. This is true for everyone—but especially those with difficulty hearing and/or understanding who may also be dealing with some heavy emotions surrounding their hearing differences.
Imagine how you would feel if you were in a group and everyone was laughing at a joke of which you missed the punchline. Then, when you asked what the joke was, you were told, “Never mind”, “Don’t worry about it”, or “I’ll tell you later”. It would likely make you feel sad and unimportant.
It is important we do NOT say these things when people ask for clarification. They need to feel part of the group. While saying those things can seem harmless, it IS NOT harmless – even if something really WASN’T important, or the joke wasn’t funny, or didn’t apply to the person asking for clarification.
Let’s go back a step and look some better communication options. Because the last thing we want is for the people we love to feel that they are not important enough to hear (or see if they are using a visual language) what we or others around them are saying.
For example, if uncle Harry tells a joke at your Christmas Eve party and everyone laughs and your child asks what he said, you have a few appropriate options:
- “Uncle Harry told a joke about …”
- “Uncle Harry was talking about a time he…”
- “What part did you hear? Let me explain the part you didn’t understand”
- “Actually, I didn’t really understand either. Let’s ask for clarification together”
Group situations in general can be very difficult for everyone, even more so for those with hearing differences. There’s a lot of noise. There’s a lot of distractions. There can be a lot of other sensory stimulation.
And let’s not downplay that YOU are also trying to stay engaged with the party and it can be hard sometimes to stop and help your child understand something they didn’t hear well, especially if you don’t feel what was said was important for your child to hear/understand.
However, we need to remember the psychological effect of telling someone that what was said isn’t important. Because sometimes when we say those things, what gets internalized is “YOU aren’t important”. And no one wants that.
Also- no one likes to feel singled out. If you are worried about an upcoming situation where communication might be difficult for your child and they are old enough, make a plan to TEXT clarification!
In this day and age, texting can be a great way to offer support and keep people included while giving them the added advantage of seeing the communication in writing without feeling singled out. Just make sure if you make a plan to offer clarification through text, you follow through. Also, since most people are quite adept at writing and reading texts it may often go unnoticed by those around you. It also eliminates the concerns of lighting, visual distractions, etc.
Here are a few tips for creating a good communication environment for you and those you love who need clarification:
As we enter this week of celebrations that may include many different visual and auditory environments, I hope we all take a breath and remember to support those around us just as we hope to be supported and included.
Remember to check in with your loved one who may be struggled with hearing and/or understanding. Make sure they have a safe outlet to let you know how they are feeling. Offering a safe place for children to freely express their frustration, sadness, confusion, etc. is an extremely important aspect of their emotional health and emotional intelligence. What they are feeling matters and you might be surprised by the depth of their emotions regarding their hearing difference. For Dr. JJ’s post regarding exactly that for any kind of hearing difference, read this:
Also, we hope you have an amazing holiday, regardless of what or how you celebrate! We hope you can enjoy this time with your little heroes as we will be doing with ours. Even if it is 4:00 a.m.
For more suggestions on communication strategies, check out the following resources:
Communication strategies for APD
Communication strategies for Hearing Loss
Improve communication experiences for individuals with hearing loss