By: Dr. Lindsey Tubaugh – August 17, 2021
{Possible trigger warning for those with Misophonia}
I love camping. Seriously, I do. And my favorite type of camping? Tent camping. Seriously.
Our little family typically tries to go camping at least twice a summer. Honestly, I would do more if could carve the time away from the rest of the other “necessary” summer activities and get-aways. I usually come back from camping with a refreshed outlook on life after being with trees and sleeping under the stars. Except for one trip.
One trip, years ago when I had a 1-year-old and a 3 year-old, we were camping in the mountains with my parents –us in our trusty tent–them in their safe, warm, and bug-free camper. One afternoon, the weather turned quite cold and my parents suggested we all stay in their camper for the night since it was warm and cozy and safer for the babies.
Interestingly, I have always felt a little less clauserphobic in a tent, which is why I prefer sleeping in one. It feels like in a tent, I am closer to freedom somehow than in a camper. That’s normal, right?! So I begrudgingly gave in for the sake of the little ones.
That night, while the heater kicked on and off and the rest of the family blissfully slept in the cozy and comfortable confines of the camper, I had an encounter with a bear. NOT an actual bear, mind you, but something that felt at the time much worse.
You see, I suffer from insomnia and have since childhood. However, I had recently learned a technique called EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) that helped calm my nervous system and also help me cope with any negative emotions I experience by tapping on certain points on my face and body that calms the amygdala in the brain. It really works! Most of the time.
That night, my husband snored liked the loudest and most consistent bear in the world. Luckily for everyone else in the camper, it didn’t prevent them from sleeping. But it did me. And the less I slept, the more loud the sound seemed, and angrier I got. Then eventually something snapped in my head.
I became so angry, so enraged at the sound of that snoring that I jumped out of bed, literally tugged on my hair as if I was going to pull it out, and nearly screamed. Looking back, I’m surprised I didn’t. I am a bit ashamed to admit that I was in such a rage that I wanted to slug that poor guy right in his noisy nose. Thankfully I didn’t. Nevertheless, it was an extremely long night and I just prayed it would end with no one physically harmed at my hands.
Most people have experienced this to an extent at least once in their life. Remember in 3rd grade when one kid ran their fingernails down the chalkboard and everyone in the room groaned? Or that Thanksgiving you sat right next to grandpa who chewed his whole dinner with his mouth open? Or Sally at work that sits next to you that chomped on ice all through her pregnancy? You know what I’m talking about! Now imagine having that consistently for 4+ hours with no escape. It is truly torture!!
I could have left the camper I suppose, leaving the warmth as well as my husband to deal with the little ones in the event they woke up, but I am actually afraid of REAL bears and was too scared to sleep in the tent alone or even just go on a short walk. So I sat there doing my EFT and deep breathing exercises, and could not figure out why in the presence of that noise I just kept getting MORE upset, not less. I tried Progressive Muscle Relaxation–Nope. I tried self-hypnosis–Nope. Nothing worked. Just me and my ragey self, reduced to pacing a 3 foot space.
All. Night. Long.
After the night was over and I yelled irrationally at my husband for something that wasn’t even his fault (how dare he continue to snore even after I had punched his arm repeatedly telling him he was snoring), I took a nap. In the tent. But when I awoke I couldn’t figure out why all these stress-coping techniques I had been successfully using for anxiety, sleeplessness, and general well-being didn’t work in that moment. They didn’t even budge that rage I was feeling.
Well, fast forward to now–and I know the answer. Misophonia (extreme sensitivity to a specific sound/trigger–in this case the snoring) is a reflex. And when triggered, we can’t “talk ourselves out of it” and relaxation techniques typically don’t work because – well, we can’t relax ourselves out of a reflex while we are right in the middle of it. And while habituation to a trigger is possible, it cannot be done without a pleasurable stimulus in addition to the trigger and it takes time and considerable work. Also–exhaustion makes Misophonia worse. Add in the addition of a claustrophobic environment causing underlying anxiety and you have a recipe for a bear:
exhaustion + anxiety + trigger sound = Misophonia (aka: The Bear)
You might be surprised it is the Misophonia I labeled as the bear and not my snoring husband or myself for my reaction. Believe me, for so long I did. I blamed him and then when I relaxed I blamed me. But even now as I type this I am having a slight reaction (clenching in my stomach and slight feeling of rage–a much smaller reaction than before but still there) but I have learned that I am not the Misophonia, nor am I to blame for it any more than any other reflex.
Now I know better. Now I know I need to be prepared for a night like this with some sort of noise reduction with the addition of the ability for streaming a pleasant and relaxing stimulus (thank you apple for airpods). I also know it wasn’t my fault, or my husbands, and this is “overcomeable”–but not by continuing to expose myself to the same noise over and over again all night long hoping I would just “calm down”. And while EFT, PMR, hypnosis, and mindfulness can be extremely important in dealing with the emotions surrounding misophonia, they aren’t the right tools for WHILE you are being triggered. Those tools are for before the trigger as well as after the reflex response has subsided.
So if you have ever spent the night, or day, or whenever with the bear named misophonia–I’m right there with you. It totally bites. Bears are interesting in theory, but no sane person wants to live with one.
Have hope. If you or your child can relate to this post–there are DEFINITELY tools for learning to live with, habituate to, and even (in some cases) overcoming the misophonia. I am here for you in any part of the journey you are on.
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